Winter sucks. I hate the black slushy snow everywhere. I hate trying to tuck my pants into my boots so that salty wetness doesn't leave a creeping white ring around the bottom of all my dress pants. I hate riding the bus instead of walking the mile to the train, hitting people in the head with my purse while falling over due to the over-zealous braking of the driver or getting smacked in the face with other people's backpacks if I'm lucky enough to have a seat. I hate coming home from work when it's dark. I hate when it's so cold that I have to wear a fleece under my coat, which, when I take it off, makes enough static electricity to power a small town. I hate realizing how many dogs live in my neighborhood by the quantity of yellow-stained snowdrifts along the sidewalks.
If you can't tell - I'm cranky, folks. My hope is running low. The light at the end of the tunnel is so far away it's just a pinprick. I'm not allowed to blog about the adoption process, so I don't have any release. The one realization I've had is that I must come up with some things to look forward to this year other than a baby, 'cause a baby probably ain't happening in 2011.
The first two years of our marriage, we had no interest in having kids yet. At my sister's wedding, six months after mine, my cousin patted me on the stomach and asked "Is this what I think it is, or is it the dress?" I was just as horrified at the thought of being pregnant as I was mortified that she asked me that question. "Just the dress! Just the dress!" I nearly screamed. And then I frantically exercised for weeks, even though I already weighed the amount recommended for my height. Anyhoo, back to the point. We were totally satisfied with our lives then. We loved the freedom to do whatever whenever we wanted. I wish I could go back to that feeling, but trying to have a baby flipped a switch in me that I can't flip back.
I feel flashes of it from time to time. Late in the afternoon on a recent Saturday, we spontaneously decided to go to a concert for a band I'd never even listened to. It was fantastic - I'm a sucker for bands with strings and brass. But mostly I sit around and think about how I wished I was sitting on the floor on a Saturday morning playing blocks with my baby. Or I try to plan for a weekend trip and wistfully look at lists of children's museums and zoos. In 2010, I spent the entire year being pregnant or recovering from being pregnant. I don't want this year to be the year I just sat around waiting for various stages of paperwork to come in.
We need to be fairly frugal too, so planning a big trip is out of the question. What else do you do to keep yourself from going crazy with impatience? To feel like you're living life again and not just waiting for things to happen?
PS Thanks to all those who de-lurked for my last blog. It was neat to learn that I have readers I never knew I had! Thanks especially to Lauren - the comment brought tears to my eyes!
