Life lessons from Adam Sandler

The two week wait -- or 2ww in fertility jargon -- is familiar to anyone trying to conceive. The days drag by while you spend your time inspecting toilet paper for elusive implantation bleeding, poking yourself in the chest to check for tenderness, and wildly alternating between hope and despair.

The long-term trying to conceive, or, in my new adoption-friendly jargon, TTOB -- trying to obtain baby -- requires a different kind of patience. We've been TTOB for over two years, and many of you have been waiting years longer. How do you cope when your 2ww has morphed into a 2yw?

I've been reminded lately of the movie Click. (If you need a spoiler alert for a just-okay movie released five years ago, this is it.) The gist: the main character, played by Adam Sandler, obtains a remote control that he can use to operate his life. He fast-forwards through parts of his life -- boring parts, sicknesses, all things unpleasant. The remote control learns his preferences; suddenly it's years later and he hasn't experienced anything.

If I'd had the option to skip my two (plus) year wait, I would have been sorely tempted. It's been miserable and it's not over (though at least I don't expect to have any more miscarriages on this leg of Journey to Baby #1). But then I consider all the times I've said, "If I can just get through [fill in the blank]." This semester. This project at work. This boring-ass conference that makes me want to stab myself with a Marriott ink pen. I'm always "just getting through" something.

I'm forcing a shift in perspective. I don't want to take a single minute that I have with mrohkay for granted. Trying to live life to the fullest isn't easy when I feel locked in babyless limbo while the rest of the world moves on. But I'm trying.

And so begins what I've dubbed "The summer of fun!!" (Two exclamation points so you know I'm serious.) mrohkay will be completing his master's degree in one week, which will mark the first time in our six years together that one of us wasn't in school or studying for the bar exam. We're finally going to start doing some of the things we've been talking about forever.

• watch a roller derby bout (check)
• paint the nursery (in progress)
• walk to our neighborhood frozen custard store (check and check... and, you caught me, check)
• attend a music festival
• visit one of our city's rooftop bars
• vacation in the Pacific Northwest
• take walks by the lake
• plan for the "Fall of fun!!" and the "Winter of fun!!"

I hope this plan of action will make the rest of my 2+yw feel not just tolerable -- but worthwhile.

Wallowing

Winter sucks. I hate the black slushy snow everywhere. I hate trying to tuck my pants into my boots so that salty wetness doesn't leave a creeping white ring around the bottom of all my dress pants. I hate riding the bus instead of walking the mile to the train, hitting people in the head with my purse while falling over due to the over-zealous braking of the driver or getting smacked in the face with other people's backpacks if I'm lucky enough to have a seat. I hate coming home from work when it's dark. I hate when it's so cold that I have to wear a fleece under my coat, which, when I take it off, makes enough static electricity to power a small town. I hate realizing how many dogs live in my neighborhood by the quantity of yellow-stained snowdrifts along the sidewalks.

If you can't tell - I'm cranky, folks. My hope is running low. The light at the end of the tunnel is so far away it's just a pinprick. I'm not allowed to blog about the adoption process, so I don't have any release. The one realization I've had is that I must come up with some things to look forward to this year other than a baby, 'cause a baby probably ain't happening in 2011.

The first two years of our marriage, we had no interest in having kids yet. At my sister's wedding, six months after mine, my cousin patted me on the stomach and asked "Is this what I think it is, or is it the dress?" I was just as horrified at the thought of being pregnant as I was mortified that she asked me that question. "Just the dress! Just the dress!" I nearly screamed. And then I frantically exercised for weeks, even though I already weighed the amount recommended for my height. Anyhoo, back to the point. We were totally satisfied with our lives then. We loved the freedom to do whatever whenever we wanted. I wish I could go back to that feeling, but trying to have a baby flipped a switch in me that I can't flip back.

I feel flashes of it from time to time. Late in the afternoon on a recent Saturday, we spontaneously decided to go to a concert for a band I'd never even listened to. It was fantastic - I'm a sucker for bands with strings and brass. But mostly I sit around and think about how I wished I was sitting on the floor on a Saturday morning playing blocks with my baby. Or I try to plan for a weekend trip and wistfully look at lists of children's museums and zoos. In 2010, I spent the entire year being pregnant or recovering from being pregnant. I don't want this year to be the year I just sat around waiting for various stages of paperwork to come in.

We need to be fairly frugal too, so planning a big trip is out of the question. What else do you do to keep yourself from going crazy with impatience? To feel like you're living life again and not just waiting for things to happen?

PS Thanks to all those who de-lurked for my last blog. It was neat to learn that I have readers I never knew I had! Thanks especially to Lauren - the comment brought tears to my eyes!