Two weeks ago in the aftermath of loss #3, I wrote about our unsurprising decision to pursue adoption, and I said: "It doesn't feel like giving up; it just feels like switching tactics." Apparently, though, it feels like giving up to the rest of the fertile world. I find myself defending my decision to my friends and loved ones more than expected.
First, a little side rant - every single person who knows about our situation has already said to me "As soon as you start adopting, you'll get pregnant." (Even my doctor said this - sigh.) Guess what, know-it-all people? Getting pregnant is not the problem. I've been pregnant three times this year! Furthermore, I managed to avoid getting pregnant during all those years when I didn't want to be (ahem, I mean the first three years I was married, nudge nudge wink wink). I'm unlikely to get pregnant unless I'm trying to. Which I am not currently, thank you. (I know many of you would give your right arm to be able to get pregnant and I don't take that for granted, believe me... but I'm still childless.)
So, in defense of giving up:
(1) Right now, it's only temporary. I haven't given up hope that someday I will have a biological child - it just won't be our first child. I haven't "grieved my infertility" (as the adoption books insist upon) because it's often just a matter of persistence with recurrent pregnancy loss. Perhaps someday the stars will align and a baby will actually survive, or perhaps we'll reach a point where we want to give up permanently. That decision hasn't been made yet.
(2) I am doing all I can do. My mom said (and I swear it wasn't intended to be passive-aggressive) "I just don't want you to regret in the future that you didn't do everything you could." I've had most of the tests already, and I will do the rest. I will go my friendly neighborhood RPL specialist (who is conveniently world-renowned) and see what she has to say. Beyond that, what does "doing all I can do" mean? Do I have to keep having pregnancies at the rate of three a year until I hit menopause (or hit the jackpot)?
(3) Three miscarriages in a year is a lot for anyone to handle. While I've been having a somewhat hard time emotionally, I'm handling it really well in my humble opinion. But I cannot imagine trying again right now and neither can my husband.
(4) Adoption isn't second best for us. We always wanted to do it. My favorite Saturday morning ritual a few years ago was to get up at 7:30 and watch Adoption Stories on the Discovery Health channel (and I was disappointed when we moved and didn't have that channel anymore). I have watched far more Adoption Stories than any of the smorgasbord of pregnancy shows on TLC.
(5) We're not rushing into adoption. We've talked about it since we were dating and actively researched it since before we conceived #1. (Happy National Adoption Day, by the way!)
(6) If mrohkay and I are happy with our choice - and it is a choice - that's all that matters.
Are you convinced?
