I had a scare last week. You know like [whispering] a pregnancy scare? I know this makes some of you want to smack me. For the record, I always was a crappy infertile, what with my ability to get pregnant and all. I'm not here to make a baby announcement - don't worry. I'm just reflecting on how bizarre it was to hope that I wasn't pregnant.
Of course I wouldn't object to having a biological baby and an adopted baby around the same time. (Jackpot!) The issue is my home study / post-placement provider - who requires you to put your adoption on "pause" if you get pregnant and then wait a year after birth in the (unlikely) event that the pregnancy happens to be successful. I don't know what authority they have to shut things down when they're not involved again until after the baby arrives, but I don't want to find out. I want that baby waiting across the world to be mine. (ASAP.) And as I said, I don't have to figure out what happens because I'm not.
So how did I get here - to this stage where I could have a pregnancy "scare"? After my last miscarriage, I stopped tracking my cycles. It was so freeing to not take my temperature every morning. To not obsess over the charts. I always intended to get back to charting after a couple of months... or at least bothering to remember when CD1 hit. But I just can't bring myself to pay attention now. (We are "careful" though.)
I also can't bring myself to make an appointment with the recurrent loss specialist. I planned to do that this summer. People fly across the country to see her, and I can't make myself drive 15 miles across the city? It makes sense to do it now while I have the free time and am not yet spending all of my salary on child care. (See, this is how I try to talk myself into it.) But instead of feeling rational - like it's valuable information-gathering that I can later choose to use or not - I feel like it's a high-pressure decision. That to do the testing I must decide right now whether we'll try again later. A decision that I'm not remotely interested in making yet.
So my inertia prevails... I don't call and I don't temp. And damnit, every month I ruin a perfectly nice pair of underwear!
