I hereby present to you a musical Theme and Variations. Overdramatic? Why, yes!
First, a definition for those of you who didn't spend your college years getting the valuable, ahem, bachelor's degree in music that I got: "Theme and variations are based on a melodic variation in which the fundamental musical idea, or theme, is repeated in altered form or accompanied in a different manner." Create your own tune, but be forewarned, my imaginary song requires a lot of violins.
Theme, dolce (sweetly)
I am attending a family wedding next Saturday night. Niece-ohkay will be there. Most of this side of the family has not met my niece yet. I planned to stop by my parents' house on Sunday to have lunch and spend a little more time with Niece-ohkay before heading home again. Yesterday, however, my sister informed me that my mom was planning to invite people from the opposite side of the family over on Sunday to "meet" Niece-ohkay too, even though most of that side has actually met her already.
Variation 1, grandioso (majestic, grand style)
I love my niece. I get that you're proud. I'm looking forward to seeing her too. But must we -- for fuck's sake must weeeeee -- make such an ostentatious shooooow? None of my cousins' babies had Multiple! Grand! Introductions! Into the extended! Family!
Variation 2, con bravura (bravely)
It will be torture to watch the relatives fawn all over Niece-ohkay on Saturday. I will cry in the bathroom; I will cry in the car. Must we do this on Sunday too?
Variation 3, forte e con vigore (loudly and with vigor!)
My babies are dead. My babies are dead. Why don't you miss them, my babies are dead?
Variation 4, espressivo (expressively)
Yes, I sound like a petulant child. But damn, can't you cut me some slack? Can't your indescribable, incomparable, unbridled grandparent JOY... be just a little bit muted?
Variation 5, sotto voce (softly and subdued)
Please, please, please. Don't spend the weekend telling me that it's the best weekend of your life. Again.
Variation 6, energico (energetically)
If you're having another party, I'm not coming! Not coming not coming not coming, tra la!
Variation 7, vivace (lively, up-tempo)
I know that I can't say any of this out loud! It's inappropriate! And I'm an adult! If I say anything I will just sound jealous of a five-month old -- so I will shut up now! But for the record, I am annooooooooyed!!!
[applause, applause]
