I tweeted about this over the weekend, but I'm still ticked off and need to get it out of my system. As soon as it happened, mrohkay said, "I sense a blog post here." Yep.
Over Thanksgiving weekend, mrohkay and I traveled with two other couples to a city near where mrohkay grew up - just to hang out, have dinner and some drinks, etc. I'd spent some time with one of the couples and the boyfriend-half of the other couple before. The girlfriend-half I'd met only once at a group dinner and I hadn't really talked to her. Let's call the girlfriend Toxic and the boyfriend Smitten.
So we're all having a drink at a bar before going out to dinner, and mrohkay announces to the group that we're going to be adopting. Everyone acts happy and the normal questions ensue: Where are you adopting from? Do you know if you'll get a boy or girl? When will the baby arrive? How old will it be? And then Toxic pipes up. "So... can you not have kids, or...?" Suddenly, in a crowded bar, I could have heard the proverbial pin drop. mrohkay and I stammered for a sec, and then I decided to just answer the question. I leaned forward and said quietly, "I've had recurrent pregnancy loss." She said something generic (and non-apologetic) like "oh" and then the subject was changed.
I was shaken up, naturally. No one has ever asked me that before (and I don't know what the answer is). I know it won't be the last time someone asks that, but I just wasn't expecting it yet... especially from a person I'd met once, in front of a group of people I barely knew in a crowded bar. So I had tears in my eyes but managed to hold it together. mrohkay rubbed my back for a minute; it should have been obvious to anyone that the question had upset me. But I recovered. I had fun. They were all old high school buddies, so I didn't have much to contribute to the conversation but I was back to my normal self after dinner.
Later, Toxic took the other couple aside and asked if I was mad that she had asked a bunch of random strangers for directions. (Mad, no. Embarrassed, heck yeah. We do not need to stop every twenty feet and ask someone for a restaurant recommendation.) When the other couple told me the following day, I was flabbergasted. How could she have picked up that I was upset but be so clueless as to why?
So mrohkay decided to email Smitten. He thanked him for coming out. He apologized for any awkwardness and explained that I'd had three miscarriages this year and so fertility was kind of a touchy subject for us. He didn't refer to Toxic by name and never accused her of anything. But Smitten had to defend Toxic's honor anyway. He said he was sorry if she had offended me but "Why are you adopting?" was a "legitimate question." Smitten told us that Toxic had cancer a few years ago and didn't know whether she'd be able to have kids and so they were both "especially sensitive" to people with fertility problems. Sensitive. Right. (I didn't know that she'd had cancer of course. If I had known, I would not have reacted in the same way because I feel a bond with all infertile gals. Funny how she didn't volunteer that private information to a near-stranger in a crowded bar, huh?)
And then Toxic emailed mrohkay too. She was also sorry that my feelings were hurt, but "Why are you adopting?" is a "common question" that I should be able to answer without getting upset. She also said my being quiet "made for a long weekend." Wow, thanks for the heartfelt apology. Also, I love how Smitten and Toxic both re-wrote history so that she asked me a more appropriate question.
Am I too sensitive? Maybe. Do I think I reacted well despite that? Yes, actually. Will I be better prepared next time someone asks me an ignorant, nosy question? Absolutely!
