"It costs a lot to adopt a baby?" my co-worker asks. "Why would it cost a lot to adopt a baby?" I watch him furrow his brow in confusion, trying to put the pieces together. Not aware of the sucker punch already heading my way. "Why, anyone can just pop out a baby!"
Oooph. Left breathless, but I rally. "Not everyone can just pop out a baby," I squeak. "What?" I can't believe he's going to make me repeat that. In front of another male co-worker no less. Ah, but it's a male co-worker with a wife of 8 years and no children. I can do this. I rally again. "Not everyone can just pop out a baby!" He flushes. Point made. And before I know it, I've put the infertile curse on him.
Have any of you read the book Lullaby by Ch.uck Palah.niuk? (Author of Fight Club.) First, some preliminary disclaimers and warnings. (1) Spoiler alert. (2) There's a SIDS plot. (3) I didn't really like it that much, so this isn't a recommendation - just a metaphor. (4) I read this years ago, so forgive any inaccuracies in the retelling.
So... There's a guy whose wife and baby just died. He's suspected of murder. The night before they died, he read aloud from a library book containing a lullaby. Through some intrepid research, he discovers a connection between library patrons who checked out that book and SIDS. The lullaby is actually a curse. When the reader completes all the lines in the lullaby, the listener dies. Of course, he didn't know that when he read it - he didn't mean to kill his wife and baby. While he's in the process of figuring this out, he inadvertently kills others with the lullaby. Once he's made the connection, however, he has the knowledge and the power. The words of the lullaby slip through his mind unconsciously. He kills others before he can stop himself, often for trivial slights. Sometimes, he kills people on purpose. He can't un-know the words he's learned.
This is how I am with the infertile curse. People complain bitterly about their pregnancies, and I think, "Well. I hope they don't have to learn the hard way." People announce their pregnancies at 6 weeks, and I think, "Won't it be hard when they have to un-tell everyone." My co-worker says, "Anyone can just pop out a baby." And I think, "I hope you can't."
In truth, I wouldn't wish infertility or recurrent loss on anyone. Yet it slips through my mind unconsciously. I assume everyone else will have problems. Sometimes, in a flash, I want everyone else to have problems. I don't think I'd take back my experiences if given the chance - but, from time to time, I'd like to un-know what I know. To spare the people in my path from being struck down by my infertile curse.
I can't remember the ending of the book. I think he was able to overcome the knowledge of the curse, but I don't remember how.
And that is what I'm working on.