Even in the halcyon days when I still believed that I could have a baby with the ease of a teenager on MTV, I never wanted to post the traditional pregnancy announcement on Facebook complete with ultrasound photo. I thought it was a tad, um, creepy. It equates to an announcement that -- in the words of Jay's (the2weekwait's) friend -- "Somebody's been f*cking!" Not to say that I wouldn't have announced. I didn't know then what I know now -- that, statistically, my announcement would have made one in eight of my friends cry. But my planned announcement was more along the lines of, "So, I have one of those big Facebook announcements to make..." They would have figured it out; everyone jumps to that conclusion with people my age anyway. Case in point, I prematurely got upset one night when a friend announced that her dog was getting a sibling. The sibling arrived the next day -- a puppy.
I feel kind of smug about the fact that, in theory, I would not have been too much of a smug fertile. I guess that makes me a smug infertile. (Speaking of, if you haven't already, you must go read theportofindecision's post on Beyonce when you're done here.)
I've been thinking about facebook announcements lately for a few reasons.
First, the obvious one: the fake pregnancy ploy intended to raise breast cancer awareness. If you haven't seen it, your acquaintances are smarter than mine! You're supposed to put a certain number down that corresponds to your birth month and a certain food that corresponds to your birth day and put it together to say something like "I'm sixteen weeks and craving meat balls." And somehow that helps breast cancer, even though most people have no idea what you're talking about, you're specifically instructed not to explain the ploy to half of the population (males), and -- duh -- nothing about a pregnancy announcement has anything to do with breast cancer. (Not to mention the implicit slap in the face -- cancer treatments can impact fertility.)
Second, I recently hid a pregnant facebook "friend." I have no qualms about hiding a person who posts obnoxious political comments that raise my blood pressure, but for some reason I feel guilty when I hide pregnant folks. I have the urge -- which I resist -- to say some really dark things when people use ultrasound photos (especially early ones) as their profile pictures. I have an ultrasound photo that looks just like that. It's hidden in a basket in my living room with the infamous "insert three tablets per vagina" pill bottle.
Third, I recently read a post where the blogger defended people who post pregnancy stuff on facebook. It's not a common position to take in the infertile community where we relish hating on pregnant facebookers. (Here are two of my favorite posts.) I wish that announcements didn't bother me. I don't think people who are thrilled to be pregnant should be prohibited from sharing it with the world. But I do wish they would choose one of the lesser evils from my Anti-fertile Sadness Scale (ASS).*
1- Subtle picture containing a baby bump or nursery. [My friend created a cool Super Mario Bros. nursery and I didn't mind seeing it at all.]
2- Status: We're so happy to be adding to our family in January. [Barely scratches the surface of my psyche. Thank you.]
3- Targeted ultrasound photo. [If we're good enough friends that you would have shared this with me in person or in email, then I think it's reasonable to post it to a targeted list of friends on facebook. I might still cry, but I'm also happy for you because we're actually friends and not just someone you sat near in geometry in high school 15 years ago.]
4- Occasional sideways growing bump photos. [I know you can't resist sharing your sideways shots. Fine.]
5- Ultrasound photo posted to the person's own wall. [Let's face it, ultrasound photos all look pretty much the same. If I forget what one looks like, I'll just pull out my own. Posting it to your wall gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach, but at least I only have to see it once since you kindly didn't make it your profile photo.]
6- Profile pic of a Halloween costume where the gal is an oven (with a bun, naturally) and her husband is a baker. [I'm gagging a little just remembering it.]
7- Ultrasound photo for your profile pic. [You're not only subjecting your friends to that image every time you do anything on facebook, you're also harassing people you don't even know, who see your picture when you do anything on any of their friends' pages. I recently was pissed off by a random person's 3D ultrasound photo when the person left a comment about a mutual friend's failed IUI. Wow, she must have found the sight of your baby so comforting right after her own BFN.]
8- The app with the creepy cartoon baby with automatic updates for all your facebook friends every week. [It's enough that I know when you're due. I don't need to know which week your baby develops his junk.]
9- Creating a special page or facebook profile for your fetus. [On the one hand, I think this could be nice because you could do all the updates you wanted and only people who wanted to see them could see them, but this apparently isn't the intent of the person I saw do it. She just really wanted you to friend her fetus. Which technically is a violation of the terms of service, since your fetus isn't over 13 years old.]
10- Hints for two weeks followed by an announcement at eight weeks followed by 32 weeks of updates every. single. day. about heartburn, kicking, nausea, headaches, swelling, heat, gestational diabetes, and how you're never doing this again accompanied with ultrasound photos followed by photos of the birth including nekkid bloody baby straight out of the womb photo. And one year later, reliving some of those updates through the new "on this day in 2010" feature. [Seriously, I did not unfriend or even hide this girl. This is as rockstar-ish of me as only missing 4 days of work through 3 miscarriages.]
1,000,000- posting a fake pregnancy announcement. [ASS.]
*I've had facebook friends do each of these. Yes, even the baker/oven one.
Learning from my own discomfort, I try to recognize that everyone is sensitive about something. Me wishing mrohkay a Happy Anniversary might upset my single friends, etc. etc. The ASS scale isn't an attempt to infringe on anyone's constitutional right to be a proud and/or whiny fertile.** But if we haven't spoken since high school and you think I need to know the state of your ute, I have a constitutional right to bitch about it on my blog.
**Also, if you're pregnant after infertility, in my view you can do whatever you want on facebook. Hey, it's my scale; it doesn't have to make sense.
Luv,
the smug infertile
I've been thinking about facebook announcements lately for a few reasons.
First, the obvious one: the fake pregnancy ploy intended to raise breast cancer awareness. If you haven't seen it, your acquaintances are smarter than mine! You're supposed to put a certain number down that corresponds to your birth month and a certain food that corresponds to your birth day and put it together to say something like "I'm sixteen weeks and craving meat balls." And somehow that helps breast cancer, even though most people have no idea what you're talking about, you're specifically instructed not to explain the ploy to half of the population (males), and -- duh -- nothing about a pregnancy announcement has anything to do with breast cancer. (Not to mention the implicit slap in the face -- cancer treatments can impact fertility.)
Second, I recently hid a pregnant facebook "friend." I have no qualms about hiding a person who posts obnoxious political comments that raise my blood pressure, but for some reason I feel guilty when I hide pregnant folks. I have the urge -- which I resist -- to say some really dark things when people use ultrasound photos (especially early ones) as their profile pictures. I have an ultrasound photo that looks just like that. It's hidden in a basket in my living room with the infamous "insert three tablets per vagina" pill bottle.
Third, I recently read a post where the blogger defended people who post pregnancy stuff on facebook. It's not a common position to take in the infertile community where we relish hating on pregnant facebookers. (Here are two of my favorite posts.) I wish that announcements didn't bother me. I don't think people who are thrilled to be pregnant should be prohibited from sharing it with the world. But I do wish they would choose one of the lesser evils from my Anti-fertile Sadness Scale (ASS).*
1- Subtle picture containing a baby bump or nursery. [My friend created a cool Super Mario Bros. nursery and I didn't mind seeing it at all.]
2- Status: We're so happy to be adding to our family in January. [Barely scratches the surface of my psyche. Thank you.]
3- Targeted ultrasound photo. [If we're good enough friends that you would have shared this with me in person or in email, then I think it's reasonable to post it to a targeted list of friends on facebook. I might still cry, but I'm also happy for you because we're actually friends and not just someone you sat near in geometry in high school 15 years ago.]
4- Occasional sideways growing bump photos. [I know you can't resist sharing your sideways shots. Fine.]
5- Ultrasound photo posted to the person's own wall. [Let's face it, ultrasound photos all look pretty much the same. If I forget what one looks like, I'll just pull out my own. Posting it to your wall gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach, but at least I only have to see it once since you kindly didn't make it your profile photo.]
6- Profile pic of a Halloween costume where the gal is an oven (with a bun, naturally) and her husband is a baker. [I'm gagging a little just remembering it.]
7- Ultrasound photo for your profile pic. [You're not only subjecting your friends to that image every time you do anything on facebook, you're also harassing people you don't even know, who see your picture when you do anything on any of their friends' pages. I recently was pissed off by a random person's 3D ultrasound photo when the person left a comment about a mutual friend's failed IUI. Wow, she must have found the sight of your baby so comforting right after her own BFN.]
8- The app with the creepy cartoon baby with automatic updates for all your facebook friends every week. [It's enough that I know when you're due. I don't need to know which week your baby develops his junk.]
9- Creating a special page or facebook profile for your fetus. [On the one hand, I think this could be nice because you could do all the updates you wanted and only people who wanted to see them could see them, but this apparently isn't the intent of the person I saw do it. She just really wanted you to friend her fetus. Which technically is a violation of the terms of service, since your fetus isn't over 13 years old.]
10- Hints for two weeks followed by an announcement at eight weeks followed by 32 weeks of updates every. single. day. about heartburn, kicking, nausea, headaches, swelling, heat, gestational diabetes, and how you're never doing this again accompanied with ultrasound photos followed by photos of the birth including nekkid bloody baby straight out of the womb photo. And one year later, reliving some of those updates through the new "on this day in 2010" feature. [Seriously, I did not unfriend or even hide this girl. This is as rockstar-ish of me as only missing 4 days of work through 3 miscarriages.]
1,000,000- posting a fake pregnancy announcement. [ASS.]
*I've had facebook friends do each of these. Yes, even the baker/oven one.
Learning from my own discomfort, I try to recognize that everyone is sensitive about something. Me wishing mrohkay a Happy Anniversary might upset my single friends, etc. etc. The ASS scale isn't an attempt to infringe on anyone's constitutional right to be a proud and/or whiny fertile.** But if we haven't spoken since high school and you think I need to know the state of your ute, I have a constitutional right to bitch about it on my blog.
**Also, if you're pregnant after infertility, in my view you can do whatever you want on facebook. Hey, it's my scale; it doesn't have to make sense.
Luv,
the smug infertile