* I always wanted to adopt.
I manage to insert that disclaimer into nearly every blog post. It's a fact. I truly have always wanted to adopt. mrohkay and I never had a "should we or shouldn't we?" conversation. It was only a matter of when. Should we try pregnancy again or wait? Adopt now or later?
And yet, when I write "I always wanted to adopt," there's a defensiveness. Maybe you sense it; maybe you don't. I know it's there lurking.
The thing is, I miss my lost babies. Often desperately. No one is surprised by this revelation - I still grieve for them. So I write "I always wanted to adopt" to offset that. I feel defensive about still needing to process the emotions of recurrent loss even after months or a whole year has gone by. I feel defensive about whether you will think that I wasn't ready to make an adoption decision yet.
I am confident that adoption was the right choice for us right now. We're six months into the process and I have no regrets - only excitement (and, yes, impatience). I don't need to be convinced that our decision was well-reasoned and emotionally appropriate. I say, "I always wanted to adopt," to convince you of what I know in my heart is true: "I am so glad we're adopting."
And yet I say, "I always wanted to adopt" to convince myself of something else. That I can be thrilled to adopt even while I still grieve for the loss of my babies. That missing my lost babies is not "cheating on" my adopted baby, who probably exists already (!). After all, I care for each one of the lost babies and wish they had survived even though life for any one of them would have resulted in the non-existence of the other two. And the baby I'll be matched with - the baby that's meant for me - would never have become my baby if one of the three lost babies had survived.
So when you read my disclaimer: * I always wanted to adopt, what I mean is: * I still grieve, but that's okay.
