I have times in my life that I vividly associate with particular songs – songs that I listened to repeatedly for hours. From my second miscarriage to the present, that song has been Of Montreal's Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse. (Don't let the title intimidate you.)
When I was pregnant the second time, I started walking a mile to the train every day rather than taking a bumpy, smelly, nauseating-even-when-not-hormonal bus ride. After I miscarried, I kept on walking that mile. The thought of going to work every day was overwhelming, but I could put one foot in front of the other. And then I found my song: "I'm in a crisis. I need help. C'mon mood shift, shift back to good again. C'mon be a friend." Now I resolutely march to and from the train every day with that song on repeat.
I assumed the song was about drugs, since the refrain is "c'mon chemicals," but it still resonated with me. I'd been thinking about writing a blog about it for a couple of days and googled the song title after starting my post, just to make sure I spelled it correctly. I came across an interview where the singer described how he wrote the song after going through a chemical depression. He described his recognition that "there's something going on inside of me that I don't have control over, and then you realize how vulnerable you are to these things, these elements that you can't understand…. It's like you're being betrayed by your body."
Wow. I had no idea I was listening to a song inspired by the same refrain playing in my head over and over: why is my body betraying me? Why won't it sustain a pregnancy and how can I force it to obey me? I've always been a happy, positive person (or so I pretend), and I'm confident that my mood will shift back to good again despite my body's misbehavior. Until then, I've got my theme song.
(Does anyone else have life theme songs, or is it just me?)
